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CHS’s student’s ghost exercised by exorcists

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This past week there supernatural experiences have been the talk of the town in the Canfield Township area. The largest and most known experience happened on two days, starting last Saturday and then the following Monday. Two men – whose names have been removed – came to exorcise the house. The home belongs to Canfield’s own Jordan Audia.

Audia lives in his home with his mother, two dogs (Otis and Waffles), his cat (Felix) and the newest member of the family, the fish (Swim Shady). For the past couple of weeks, extraordinary things have happened in Jordan’s house. For example, he has seen things out of the corner of his eyes like a white figure looming nearby, pictures would fall off of walls, crosses would be moved from one room to another, but the breaking point is when Jordan physically saw a white figure standing in the corner of his room. That’s when Jordan and his mom decided to call in the specialists.

These men came to the house as soon as they could and took a good look around, except something seemed off about these exorcists. Instead of holy water, they carried Gatorade; instead of crosses, they would lift weights; and rather than having a Bible, they brought in a bench and a bar. Jordan asked the men, “Is there any way you can get rid of it?”

They said, “Well we sense a strong presence here, but with enough Whey Protein, anything is possible!”

And thus the men began to work, setting up benches and yoga mats.

They placed the weights down onto the ground and began to conjure the spirit. The spirit entered the room and all grew eerie. Soon a grumble crept over the room escalating to a loud roar. Pictures began to vibrate rapidly and fall down, the television started to turn off and on and the lights went crazy. Bursting bulbs and shattering glass rang across the floor, and suddenly there was absolute silence.

The men said, “Quickly throw some weight on this bar!”

Jordan and his mother ran to the bench and started racking weight onto the bar. They started simply with two tens on each side. The bar thrust itself up and down fifteen times in a matter of moments.

“MORE WEIGHT!” a voice roared out of nowhere.

Jordan frantically placed a forty-five pound plate on each side. Once again the weight flew up with no problem.

“MORE MORE!” the invisible creature cried.

Jordan continued to pile weight onto the bench, while the men realized that this workout wouldn’t be enough to tame the poltergeist.

“The spirit is too strong for just a simple chest workout. We need something with power. Go get the weapon!”

The other man rushed out of the house and returned with a large treadmill made of a strong alloy that would not budge no matter how much pressure.

He threw down the machine and plugged it in then used a bottle of creatine to attract the ghost onto the moving belt. From there they began the final incantations to rid the house of the powerful spirit.

“The power of squats compel you the power of squats compel you THE POWER OF SQUATS COMPEL YOU!”

Suddenly, everything grew still and void of emptiness fell over the house. The men began to roll medicine balls laced with holy water around the room just in case the spirit had fallen with absolute exhaustion. The two men asked for no payment, took their equipment and left the home with very few words. Except Jordan did hear one of them mutter…

“Thank God we didn’t have to go get Mr. Ohio in here.”

And thus ends our story of the spookiest and now most physically fit home in Canfield.

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The student news site of Canfield High School.
CHS’s student’s ghost exercised by exorcists